Stop trying to fix me and just let me whine

 

When your spouse is complaining about something or maybe someone at work -- your first inclination may be to offer solutions. That can be the wrong answer, according to some spouses and some experts.

The 'evil cycle'

That was something Ellen Moore discovered the hard way. The 37-year-old adolescent therapist just couldn't resist telling her husband Mike Moore, also 37, what she thought he should do anytime he complained about something.

"I think I'm really good at my job. But when it came to Mike, it's like the physician can't heal himself," says Ellen Moore, of East Haven, Vermont.

Around 1996, when Mike Moore was working in a factory, he confided in Ellen Moore about a hostile coworker. Ellen Moore insisted that Mike tell his boss. When he didn't, she actually phoned Mike's boss herself -- and he temporarily shut down the business to address the issue, Ellen Moore says. Mike Moore was not happy.

"She did not trust my judgment," says Mike, Moore now a stay-at-home dad to their three children, ages 8, 7 and 10 months.

For the next six years, the couple's problems escalated into what Ellen Moore refers to as "the evil cycle," where Mike Moore would complain about something, and she would offer advice that usually fell on deaf ears.

"He would shut down and that would make me more mad -- and then he would shut down more," she says.

"I didn't want to hear advice at that point," Mike Moore adds.

Frustrated that Mike wouldn't talk to her, Ellen Moore pushed back with a threat she did not really intend to carry out: "The only way to get him to pay attention was to say I wanted a divorce."

Ellen and Mike Moore were in couples counseling for two years. Though Mike Moore had tried to tell his wife he needed her to hold back on the advice, she was only able to take in the message when it came from a third party. Now, their 20-year-old relationship has never been better.

"He's come to value my opinion more," Ellen Moore says.

Communication 101

When two people are having trouble communicating, it is not only the advice giver who needs to develop new listening skills.

You can say: "I really need to chat about what's bothering me. Is it OK if I just vent and you listen? " Or: "I really need some help solving a problem, and I'm looking for your advice. "

"I realized it wasn't about fixing the problem, it was about letting her say what she had to say, to get everything off her chest," he says.

Can you hear me now?

Experts say it's important to understand the concept of metacommunication -- demonstrate to your partner that you are being a supportive, active listener:

• Maintain good eye contact

• Paraphrase the message. Tell the speaker, "What I hear you saying is ... "

• Put a feeling to it. Say, "That sounds like this is really difficult for you" or, "You sound really excited about this."

• Let your partner ramble on in order to come to their own conclusions and most people know the answers to their own problems.